Why Our Modern World Requires a New Kind of Parent
part 2 (of 3):
what we know:
Recap of Part 1 (of 3): The Attention Economy Has Effectively Taken Hold
1. There's a greater, nearly constant barrage of attention-grabbing influences fighting to be a part of your kid's identity than any previous generation of parents contended with.
2. Your kid's brain evolved to make them impressionable and the "noise" of the Attention Economy is messing with their development.
3. There are actions you can take to make your kid more resilient to the effects of this new reality.
The Age of "Because I Said So" is over (if you want to have impact on your kid's choices and self-image).
Key Concept #2: Your communication style dictates your ability to ethically influence your kid’s self story (and if you're not intentional, they’ll have a lot of extra "emotional work” to do later on).
Parents have been losing ground in terms of how much influence they have over their kids’ sense of self.
We’re already competing with so much more than our parents did (did you read Part 1?). So we’ve got to be even more intentional about how we communicate with our children.
The style of communication we adopt literally determines the level of openness your kid will have to your ideas, direction, and guidance.
Let’s take a look at a common parenting style from our youth…
When we were growing up, a pervasive belief was that a good parent instilled discipline in their child.
Discipline was often measured in terms of compliance.
“Not while you’re living under my roof.”
“Because I said so.”
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
“Children should be seen and not heard.”
And many of our parents (and perhaps some of us) grew up with the more severe expression:
“Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
We call this style of communication Top-Down Parenting. Here's why...
Parents have been losing ground in terms of how much influence they have over their kid's sense of self.
We’re already competing with so much more than our parents did (did you read Part 1?). So we’ve got to be even more intentional about how we communicate with our children.
The style of communication we adopt literally determines the level of openness your kid will have to your ideas, direction, and guidance.
Let’s take a look at a common parenting style from our youth…
When we were growing up, a pervasive belief was that a good parent instilled discipline in their child.
Discipline was often measured in terms of compliance.
“Not while you’re living under my roof.”
“Because I said so.”
“Do as I say, not as I do.”
“Children should be seen and not heard.”
And many of our parents (and perhaps some of us) grew up with the more severe expression: “Spare the rod, spoil the child.”
We call this style of communicating Top-Down Parenting. Here's why...
Top-down parenting is a hierarchical approach that pins kids to the bottom of their familial structure, using the weight of fear and shame.
Top-down parenting uses unethical methods of influence to create a feeling of pressure for the kid. The child bears the weight of that fear and shame. So they either get compressed or wriggle away.
Top-down parenting sacrifices connection for control.
Top-down parenting is a hierarchical approach that pins kids to the bottom of their familial structure, using the weight of fear and shame.
Part II: The communication style that lets you ethically influence your kid's sense of self >>
you may be thinking: what has this got to do with me? i don't parent from this place at all...
When, as parents, we feel like we have no control (because of the messiness of our current social context), the instinct can be to clamp down. To attempt to bend the will of our kids in order to achieve an outcome we think will ultimately benefit them.
That’s when Top-Down Parenting tends to weevil its way into the repertoires of parents who genuinely want to be kind, respectful, and considerate of their kid’s personhood.
But this act of grasping for control will actually doom your ability to ethically influence your kid’s self-story.
Through attachment theory, behavioral science has demonstrated that achieving compliance through force, fear, or coercion does not set kids up to build a positive self-image. Kids who don’t have a meaningful connection (“secure attachment”) to an adult caregiver are at greater risk of developing deep emotional and behavioral challenges.
And that undermines their likelihood to experience joy, meaning, and connection over the course of their lives.
To be clear, the answer is not to approach your relationship with your child without useful boundaries, or to take an “anything goes” attitude. That doesn’t make a child feel safe either. (They actually crave guidance, remember?)
To strike the right balance requires solid communication skills and an understanding of your kid’s internal motivations.
You won’t get it perfect; none of us do. But it does get easier and become more intuitive with practice.
When, as parents, we feel like we have no control (because of the messiness of our current social context), the instinct can be to clamp down. To attempt to bend the will of our kids in order to achieve an outcome we think will ultimately benefit them.
That’s when Top-Down Parenting tends to weevil its way into the repertoires of parents who genuinely want to be kind, respectful, and considerate of their kid’s personhood.
Those who learn to submit are more likely to have a reduced self-image over time, and are less likely to develop the belief that they’re resilient, capable people. Those who learn to push back are likely to perceive a lack of reliable support. These "rebels" will have learned to resort to alternative means to get their emotional needs met. That process will likely have colored their sense of self. And that means they may pick up certain self-sabotaging tendencies along the way.
But this act of grasping for control will actually doom your ability to ethically influence your kid’s self-story.
Through attachment theory, behavioral science has demonstrated that achieving compliance through force, fear, or coercion does not set kids up to build a positive self-image. Kids who don’t have a meaningful connection (“secure attachment”) to an adult caregiver are at greater risk of developing deep emotional and behavioral challenges.
And that undermines their likelihood to experience joy, meaning, and connection over the course of their lives.
To be clear, the answer is not to approach your relationship with your child without useful boundaries, or to take an “anything goes” attitude. That doesn’t make a child feel safe either. (They actually crave guidance, remember?)
To strike the right balance requires solid communication skills and an understanding of your kid’s internal motivations. You won’t get it perfect; none of us do. But it does get easier and become more intuitive with practice.
But the range (the sweet spot) to influence your kid falls near the middle of the spectrum.
We want our kids to feel safe exploring the boundaries of structure /autonomy. When we give them this space to explore, they trust us. And that means we can influence them ethically.
A Top-Down Parenting style tends to push kids to one of two extremes on a spectrum.
They submit or they rebel.
PLEASE NOTE: Rebellion is healthy. Your kid will carve out their identity, in part, by pushing back against your ideals.
That's not about you, it's about them figuring out who they are. And that's a good thing.
We'll talk more about how it might show up in your home in Part 3.
Viewing your kid as a whole, complex person, who is worthy of respect and consideration requires a different parenting style than the one many of us grew up with.
Part II: The communication style that lets you ethically influence your kid's sense of self >>
continue to part 3 of 3 >
Even if you had amazing parents, you can’t parent the way they did. The world has changed. So, we’ve got to evolve, too.
If your parents were less than amazing, well, then it’s even more important that you parent with intention (so you don't repeat their mistakes or swing too far in the opposite direction).
There’s a framework to make your kid feel worthy of love, respect, and consideration even amidst the cacophony of modern life. And that feeling of worthiness will comprise your kid’s self-story and how they show up in the world.
Next: Part 3 (of 3): The relationship framework that lets you ethically influence your kid
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