Your kid is in a process of creating their self-story (their identity)...
And there are plenty of entities (influencers, brands, media) vying to sell them one.
it's time for some real talk:
hint:
This brief essay will help you process the feelings you’ve been having about just how overwhelming it is to parent in today’s world. And it will direct you to understand your kid in ways that help you build trust, so you can ethically influence how they construct their identity now and for the future.
in other words:
The way your kid meets their root emotional needs dictates their self-conception. And your kid is vulnerable to unethical influences (from these entities) when their needs are not fulfilled in constructive (aka: healthy) ways.
Originally published November 2023
by: Alex Fern Gilkeson & Michelle-Marie Gilkeson
hint:
This brief essay will help you process the feelings you’ve been having about just how overwhelming it is to parent in today’s world. And it will direct you to understand your kid in ways that help you build trust. So you can ethically influence how they construct their identity now and for the future.
in other words:
The way your kid meets their root emotional needs dictates their self-conception. And your kid is vulnerable to unethical influences (from these entities) when their needs are not fulfilled in constructive (aka: healthy) ways.
And the hard truth is your kid might be looking for ways of connecting with you, too, but doesn’t know where to begin.
We’ve got to be the leaders on this. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, our kids actually crave guidance.
To meet our goals, we need a proven strategy.
We're writing this essay as a call to all parents who are unsettled by this new status quo and believe too much is at stake to just throw up our hands in surrender. Now is the time to parent with even more intention, so we can ethically influence our kids in a way that promotes positive self-image and leads to joy, meaning, and connection.
the old way just isn't cutting it
who is this essay for?
All of us figuring out how to do “this parenting thing.” That includes people raising kids on their own or in partnership; parents of neurodivergent kids; parents of kids who are differently-abled; parents of LGBTQIA+ kids; parents of kids with marginalized identities.
what is this essay?
It almost feels like the multi-national corporations, social media platforms, special interest groups, and other powerful players have the keys to the kingdom (that is your kid’s psychological landscape), while us parents are left trying to pick the locks with a bobby pin.
This is a problem, but it’s not like there were no outside influences fighting for our attention when we grew up, right? Back then we had TV, news, ads, politicians, and pop stars…So why are we talking about this now?
Because, the truth is, we need a cultural shift.
The world is changing faster than it ever has before (hello, Artificial Intelligence!). And certain corporations and individuals have gotten really good at occupying kids’ psyches (minds).
We want to make our kids resilient to increasingly nefarious actors that care about their bottom line (ads and sales revenue), NOT your kid’s developmental needs.
It’s not that everyone wants to negatively impact your kid, or has the goal of impacting them at all. But the nature of the Attention Economy means we’re all rewarded for adding to the noisiness of today’s world.
And many others are totally OK with your kid's well-being becoming the collateral damage of this new reality.
So, to be clear, our kids will be regularly exposed – if they’re not already – to an every-increasing cacophony of messages and images while they’re still in the process of figuring out who they are. Of crafting their self-story. Of presenting their identity to their peers.
Parenting today means you're competing with *all the noise* for your kid’s attention. Our parents didn’t have to contend with that. They’d just walk over and switch off the TV.
But studies now show that the effects of social media last beyond the moments of use. It makes you more distracted and distract-able throughout the day...even when not looking at a screen.
If we’re not careful, the default communication (which is to say, the default relationship) we have with our kids might be a lot of unrequited bids for connection:
“Hey, did you hear me?...”
“Eyes on me, please…”
It almost feels like the multi-national corporations, social media platforms, special interest groups, and other powerful players have the keys to the kingdom (that is your kid’s psychological landscape), while us parents are left trying to pick the locks with a bobby pin.
This is a problem for sure, but it’s not like there were no outside influences fighting for our attention when we grew up, right? Back then we had TV, news, ads, politicians, and pop stars…So why are we talking about this now?
Because, the truth is, we need a cultural shift.
The world is changing faster than it ever has before (hello, Artificial Intelligence!). And certain corporations and individuals have gotten really good at occupying kids’ psyches (minds).
We want to make our kids resilient to increasingly nefarious actors that care about their bottom line (ads and sales revenue), NOT your kid’s developmental needs.
It’s not that everyone wants to negatively impact your kid, or has the goal of impacting them at all. But the nature of the Attention Economy means we’re all rewarded for adding to the noisiness of today’s world.
And many others are totally OK with your kid's well-being becoming the collateral damage of this new reality.
So, to be clear, our kids will be regularly exposed – if they’re not already – to an every-increasing cacophony of messages and images while they’re still in the process of figuring out who they are. Of crafting their self-story. Of presenting their identity to their peers.
We're not parenting in the same world we were raised in.
The Attention Economy has effectively taken hold–which means there are more companies and individuals vying to influence your kid than any previous generation of parents contended with.
Three key concepts essential for you, a parent raising a kid in today’s world, that help to ensure your kid builds a self-image that serves them now and in the future.
So, before we continue,
you may be wondering:
Parenting today means you're competing with *all the noise* for your kid’s attention. Our parents didn’t have to contend with that. They’d just walk over and switch off the TV.
But studies now show that the effects of social media last beyond the moments of use. It makes you more distracted and distract-able throughout the day...even when not looking at a screen.
If we’re not careful, the default communication (which is to say, the default relationship) we have with our kids might be a lot of unrequited bids for connection:
“Hey, did you hear me?...”
“Eyes on me, please…”
And the hard truth is your kid might be looking for ways of connecting with you, too, but doesn’t know where to begin.
We’ve got to be the leaders on this. Even if it doesn’t always feel like it, our kids actually crave guidance.
To meet our goals, we need a proven strategy.
We're writing this essay as a call to all parents who are unsettled by this new status quo and believe too much is at stake to just throw up our hands in surrender. Now is the time to parent with even more intention, so we can ethically influence our kids in a way that promotes positive self-image and leads to joy, meaning, and connection.
"You're not just raising a child; you're nurturing their sense of self-worth and identity, which is more critical than ever in today's world."
child psychologist
Key Concept #1: Your kid is likely more impressionable than you think.
Remember how quickly they picked up new words as a toddler? That’s because your toddler’s brain was a sponge, soaking up everything around them.
That process never stopped. Every five-year-old, twelve-year-old, sixteen-year-old constantly receives information and incorporates it into their worldview.
Today, a large portion of the information kids absorb comes from social media, and dozens of studies demonstrate that social media use decreases well-being in kids and teens.
We know this, right? We feel it in ourselves when we’ve let the Doom Scrolling go on for too long: Wasn’t I just on here to check out the photos the family posted of our reunion? How did I end up in a heated comments section about Britney Spears’ conservatorship?
But it’s useful to have evidence-based studies proving what we all feel. It’s how policy change happens in order to improve the quality of life for all of us.
The work of Dr. Jean Twenge shows how social media use leads to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances among young people. Dr. Twenge’s Time-Diary studies show that girls are particularly vulnerable to the effects of social media, with higher instances of depression and self-harm. While boys are also vulnerable, negative effects may manifest differently.
Our kids' constant exposure to carefully curated images and the pressure to maintain a certain online persona can result in low self-esteem and body image issues, which further erode happiness and well-being.
Companies leverage social media platforms because people go to these virtual spaces to connect, become informed, and compare themselves to others.
It's like the apps are stuffed with a bunch of Mean Girls (influencers and corporate brands that present as individuals) ready to take your kid underwing. To groom them toward behaviors and expression that reflects an "acceptable" or even hip personality. That personality just happens to act and consume in ways that support profits.
Remember how quickly they picked up new words as a toddler? That’s because your toddler’s brain was a sponge, soaking up everything around them.
That process never stopped. Every five-year-old, twelve-year-old, sixteen-year-old constantly receives information and incorporates it into their worldview.
Today, a large portion of the information kids absorb comes from social media, and dozens of studies demonstrate that social media use decreases well-being in kids and teens.
We know this, right? We feel it in ourselves when we’ve let the Doom Scrolling go on for too long: Wasn’t I just on here to check out the photos the family posted of our reunion? How did I end up in a heated comments section about Britney Spears’ conservatorship?
But it’s useful to have evidence-based studies proving what we all feel. It’s how policy change happens in order to improve the quality of life for all of us.
The work of Dr. Jean Twenge shows how social media use leads to increased rates of anxiety, depression, and sleep disturbances among young people. Dr. Twenge’s Time-Diary studies show that girls are particularly vulnerable to the effects of social media, with higher instances of depression and self-harm. While boys are also vulnerable, negative effects may manifest differently.
Our kids' constant exposure to carefully curated images and the pressure to maintain a certain online persona can result in low self-esteem and body image issues, which further erode happiness and well-being.
Companies leverage social media platforms because people go to these virtual spaces to connect, become informed, and compare themselves to others.
It's like the apps are stuffed with a bunch of Mean Girls (influencers and corporate brands that present as individuals) ready to take your kid underwing. Eager to groom them toward behaviors and expression that reflects an "acceptable" or even hip personality.
That personality just happens to act and consume in ways that support profits.
Your kid is constantly witnessing and experiencing, then making assumptions about who they are and how they’re valued in this world.
These companies use insights from online consumer psychology to foster a sense of connection in kids (and adults!) and a drive to be an “insider.” In other words, to be “cool.” (Or whatever slang the kids are using these days!)
This is nothing new. Marketers have been at it for a long time.
Remember Joe Camel, that "hip" smoking cartoon from our youth?
Here's a little 90s advertising nostalgia for you...
The logic for the Joe Camel ad campaign was simple:
If kids see a cartoon camel smoking, they’ll make the assumption that smoking is cool, that they should start smoking Camel cigarettes.
This was a *huge* controversy in the 90s. Our parents talked about it with their co-workers around the water cooler and at the carpool dropoff.
Imagine: your kid has such a limited range of “inputs” that a single bad influence can stand out among the rest. Today, there are so many pieces of information coming at kids, how do we parents even know where to begin to identify the potentially harmful messages or images?
We don’t even know most of what our kids see anymore. (Don’t worry, I’ll talk about how we can support their well-being despite this a bit later.)
If you’ve watched Mad Men, you’ve heard Don Draper explain that you don’t sell a product, you sell a person an idea of who they would be if they had that product.
You sell them an identity, via a product.
That series was set in the 60s. Cut to today: There are an infinite number of digital "Don Drapers" with bloated ad budgets at their whim. And they use this cash to tell your kid who they are (“the before”) and who they could be (“the after”).
Marketers have only gotten better at it with time and technology.
This was a *huge* controversy in the 90s. Our parents talked about it with their co-workers around the water cooler and at the carpool dropoff.
Imagine: your kid has such a limited range of “inputs” that a single bad influence can stand out among the rest. Today, there are so many pieces of information coming at kids, how do we parents even know where to begin to identify the potentially harmful messages or images?
We don’t even know most of what our kids see anymore. (Don’t worry, I’ll talk about how we can support their well-being despite this a bit later.)
The entities capturing your kid’s attention (and dollars, through ad revenue and immediate and lifetime product sales) are incredibly sophisticated.
They’ve got a deep understanding of behavioral psychology and the marketplace. In fact, the consumer psychology industry -- the people who do the work of “reading your kid’s mind” for corporations -- is worth billions. They also use advanced computer analytics and are powered by huge budgets.
These companies and influencers who market on social media (YouTube, TikTok, Instagram…) want to inform your kid's sense of self as much as they can. It serves their bottom line, which is to make money.
And that amounts to a lot of noise for your kid.
If you’ve watched Mad Men, you’ve heard Don Draper explain that you don’t sell a product, you sell a person an idea of who they would be if they had that product.
You sell them an identity, via a product.
That series was set in the 60s. Cut to today: There are an infinite number of digital "Don Drapers" with bloated ad budgets at their whim. And they use this cash to tell your kid who they are (“the before”) and who they could be (“the after”).
Marketers have only gotten better at it with time and technology.
augmented reality and ai are used to sell the fantasy that an "ideal" is achievable, often through the consumption of products. Here we see the use of a photo app filter transform the appearance of a young girl.
DOVE
this stick figure is you, back in the 90's and early aughts
The blue and gray lines represent the stimuli that might occupy your attention and potentially influence you at any given moment. Things like peer conversations, lesson content, video games, TV, movies, music, commercials, magazines, the neighbor's dog, you get the idea... The copper line represents your caregiver's presence (their advice, guidance, directives, and other points of connection).
now this is a kid in today's cacophony of stimulation
Every kid or teen with access to the Internet (through desktops, their smartphones, their friends' devices) carries an endless stream of stimuli. The likelihood is almost nil that this kid opts to sit with their thoughts. Instead, they'll choose the addictive pleasure of passive consumption. This habit conditions them to require increasing levels of stimulation. The result might mean a failure to notice their own thoughts and lead them to miss signals for physical and emotional needs. That copper line is still parental presence, by the way. That's YOU, competing with all the noise.
Back to the Joe Camel example...
In 1997, 40 state attorneys general banned the use of cartoon figures in cigarette ads. They determined it’s wrong to use imagery intended to entice children to smoke. Tobacco companies paid $368.5 billion in a settlement as a result of this ruling.
But this took some doing. The hyper-masculine, “cool” camel was used in marketing in the U.S. for nine years before the ruling came down that caused the company to retire the campaign.
Joe Camel was just one character on cigarette packaging and promo materials.
We’re still in the Wild West of the social media age. AI makes it immeasurably more challenging for kids to parse the landscape of messages and images they receive each time they open these apps.
Advocacy for smart regulation is growing, but the process is maddeningly slow. At the time of this writing, 30 states have filed a federal lawsuit against Meta (the owner of Facebook and Instagram), alleging the apps harm children’s mental health and are designed to be addictive.
Change is coming.
The thing is, we can’t wait for others to come in and make these places safer or positive for our kids. They’re growing up right now and even a few years from now is too late.
There are things we can do to make our kids more resilient to these influences. And we can start today.
So, let's dig in...
continue reading >
Next: Part 2 (of 3) Why our modern world requires a new kind of parent
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